Here are little bits of fun that have come to us from many different sources. If you have something to add please do so. Life is way too short not to laugh as much as possible
WIT AND WISDOM - MILITARY SOURCES
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher
fire when you least expect it. That would make you
quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate.
The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly
over the area you just bombed."
Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword
obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me
U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last,
and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No
Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
Paul F.Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
Blue water Navy truism:
"There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage,
it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would
be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers
and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions
(or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?",
"Where are we?"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation;
we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a
flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing
your plight to a person on the ground incapable of
understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world;
it can just barely kill you."
Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably
isn't flying his plane to its maximum."
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly
the thing as far into the crash as possible."
Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go
near the edges of it. The edges of the air can
be recognized by the appearance of ground,
buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing,
the crash truck arrives,the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot
and asks "What happened?".
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
Subject: Air Rules
"Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society. The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute." --- George Bernard Shaw
I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the other two are always occupied by idiots?" --- Don Taylor
The three worst things to hear in the cockpit: The second officer says, "Damn it!" The first officer says, "I have an idea!" The captain says, "Hey, watch this!"
"In the Alaska bush I'd rather have a two hour bladder and three hours of gas than vice versa." --- Kurt Wien
Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly? Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?
The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. --- Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel
"The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage." --- Mark Russell
"When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace: "Because during World War Two, I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft, fortunately three were enemy."--- Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF
If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic helicopter fly-ins? --- Anonymous
Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed. --- Anonymous
"I never liked riding in helicopters because there's a fair probability the bottom part will get going around as fast as the top part." --- Lt. Col. John Wittenborn, USAFR
"When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum performance, pilots like to talk about "pushing the envelope." They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude; and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too." --- Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.
"It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating procedure." --- Dick Markgraf
"Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers and helicopters -- in that order -- need two." --- Paul Slattery
As a new copilot on an airliner, I was told to say these three things and to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:
1. Clear on the right
2. Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
3. I'll eat the chicken
As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.
You can't fly forever without getting killed.
As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will:
a. One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane.
b. One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your last flight in an airplane..
Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.
There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws (of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.
More about Rules:
a. The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and the talent to execute it.
b. If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance. (e.g., If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)
The pilot is the highest form of life on earth.
The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.
About check rides:
a. The only real objective of a check ride is to complete it and get the bastard out of your airplane.
b. It has never occurred to any flight examiner that the examinee couldn't care less what the examiner's opinion of his flying ability really is.
The medical profession is the natural enemy of the aviation profession.
The job of the Wing Commander is to worry incessantly that his career depends solely on the abilities of his aviators to fly their airplanes without mishap and that their only minuscule contribution to the effort is to bet their lives on it.
Ever notice the only experts who decree the age of the pilot is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of the intensity of their feelings the pilot's day is over I know of no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted aircraft.
It is absolutely imperative the pilot be unpredictable. Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all the time is the best way to be unpredictable. He who demands everything his aircraft can give him is a pilot; he that demands one iota more is a fool.
If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow! ASW (Anti-Submarine Warfare) pilots know this only too well.
It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing touch his aircraft.
If you can learn how to fly as an Ensign or a Second Lieutenant, and not forget how to fly by the time you're a Commander or Colonel, you will have lived a happy life.
a. Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
b. On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
c. There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
d. If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
e. Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in equilibrium with each other.
f. You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic sensations as a single engine night weather flight.
One of the most important skills a pilot must develop is the skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get the pilot's attention.
At the end of the day, the controllers, operations supervisors, maintenance guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and your job is to not let them!
The concept of "controlling" airspace with radar is just a form of FAA sarcasm directed at pilots to see if they're gullible enough to swallow it. Or to put it another way, when's the last time the FAA ever shot anyone down?
Remember the radio is only an electronic suggestion for the pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.
It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the preeminence of flying in the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's life.
Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the same old way but hopefully your instructor pilot never taught you "pull stick back, plane go up".
Mastering the prohibited maneuvers in the Operations Manual is one of the best forms of aviation life insurance you can get.
A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability discussion above)
The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear likely, there are no G-limits. That's the only thing I wish Airbus understood better. -- Tommy
One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the quality of the social experience.
If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he got them.
How to tell you have a Redneck Pilot
Your cross country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
You think sectional charts should show trailer parks.
Your toothpick keeps poking your mic.
You've thought about just taxiing around the airport drinking beer.
You use a Purina feed sack for a wind sock.
You constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
You think GPS stands for Going Perfectly Straight.
You refer to flying in formation as "We got us a convoy".
You have an orange airplane with a Union Jack on the side.
You've got a gun rack hanging on the passenger window.
You have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
Your preflight includes removing all the clover, grass, and wheat from the
You siphon gas out of your tractor to put in your airplane.
You've never really actually landed at an airport, although you've been
flying for years.
There are parts on your airplane labeled "John Deere".
There's exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco
stains on the left.
You have to buzz the strip to chase off all the sheep.
You've landed on the main street of your town for a cup of coffee.
You fly to family reunions to meet girls.
You've won the "Bob Wire" award at a spot landing contest.
You have fuzzy dice hanging from the magnetic compass.
There are grass stains on your propeller tips.
The spittoon is wedged between the rudder pedals
Just before impact, you're heard saying "Hey, y'all, watch this!"
TO ALL OF OUR COUNTRY'S VETERANS, WE HERE AT VINTAGE AIRCRAFT WOULD LIKE TO SAY:
THANK YOU FOR WHAT YOU DID FOR OUR COUNTRY!
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